Are You Listening to Respond or Listening to Understand?

A couple of weeks ago, I meeting with a good friend. We were at a local coffee shop talking about development opportunities in the community. Another friend came over and we were all having a discussion. Both of these friends had great ideas, and you could tell how passionate they were. I was very interested in what both of them had to say, but I was having a hard time understanding each of their points because they were talking over one another, trying to prove why one idea was more compelling than the other. I, politely interrupted them and shared that I would love to hear about the why and how of each of your ideas, but I can’t hear either one of you. You both have wonderful ideas, and you each have a great deal of insight, but neither one of your ideas negates the other. So can you tell me more, one at a time?

Does this sound familiar to you? In business and in our personal lives, there is often a struggle in getting your point across, without interruption, or debate. Often times, we listen to respond instead of listening to understand. A few weeks ago, we talked about Catabolic vs Anabolic leaders. Can you guess which leader listens to respond? If you guessed catabolic, you’re right! Catabolic leaders tend to communicate in a fashion where everything is about them in a sense. In most interactions, whatever is being said, the catabolic leader, focuses on winning and losing; right and wrong. This will cause conversations to be more volatile and conflict can arise. Catabolic leaders are not “bad”, but depending on how you want your relationships to work, using catabolic communication, will not build understanding. An anabolic leader, listens and communicates in a way that builds understanding. They lead with empathy and encourage others to share their feelings. Anabolic leaders listen to understand.

Communication isn’t just about what you say, but it’s how you say it. It’s also your body language, your tone, and your word choice. Every interaction we have has an energetic reaction…either catabolic or anabolic. Catabolic energy drains you. It looks like eye rolling, slouching, avoidance of eye contact. The tone is either withdrawn or aggressive, and the word choice could be one word answers or the use of ambiguous words as opposed to straight talk. Anabolic leaders look like leaders who sit up and are attentive. They lean in, and nod- acknowledging that they are listening. The tone that they predominately use is inquisitive and enthusiastic. Their words are uplifting and to the point.

Now that you can see a bit of difference in both communication styles, what energy are you bringing to your interactions? There are advantages of using catabolic communication in certain circumstances, but to be an effective leader, you need to be mindful of what energy you are bringing to a situation. When you are facing a business crisis, and you need to execute on a decision, you may not want to use anabolic energy. For example, you are a captain of a fire department. When you and your team are facing a fire at a residential building, you are not going to stop to ensure your body language and tone is engaging. Your main objective and your teams’ mission is to save lives. Catabolic communication- directing and managing needs to happen in this situation. In another situation, perhaps you are a project manager and you and your team are struggling to deliver on the clients’ needs. As you are meeting with your team to generate ideas and solutions, your primary communication style should be anabolic. You want to encourage dialogue, promote healthy discussion of ideas, and focus on solutioning for the client.

Having an understanding of your own communication style is vital to building successful relationships in all areas of your life, personal and professional. People who are deeply conscious of their communication and  the energy that they bring to interactions are able to live life with less stress, have better relationships, and lead with greater success. When we are less conscious of our communication, people become frustrated and disengaged.

If you struggling in getting your point across or are you constantly explaining yourself due to misunderstandings. you may be communicating at a catabolic level. One way to start moving into more anabolic communication is by realizing that everyone has something to bring to the table. Try to reduce your judgement about a person or an interaction, and just be present, as if you’re meeting them for the first time. We have the ability to learn something from each and every interaction. It’s time to start listening and stop letting our judgements block us from the lessons were intended to learn. 

How is your current communication style serving  you?  If you are struggling to communicate and lead, let’s chat.